it costs nothing but change November 14, 2007

the past few days have been very difficult for me. i feel like i’ve bottomed out on how badly i can screw up my schoolwork and my obligations. the past few days i really could not manage to care about anything. i have been completely distant from everyone and everything, and hiding in my room with my music on non-stop.

but the beautiful thing is that i think i’ve come through to the other side of it all. and i’m better off having been through it.

(c) 2006 lostpixels on deviantart
i know that i have made a lot of mistakes recently, and i think i have finally realized that i have to stop thinking about those things and letting them hold me back. so tonight i am getting some things done. it won’t be everything i need to get done by any means, but it’s something. i’m not shooting low on purpose, just focusing on accomplishing something and focusing on those good things, rather than what i still haven’t done.

i’ve listened to sia’s colour the small one twice today, and a couple of the songs really speak to what i have been feeling. i love her music. her voice is so fragile but strong at the same time. her lyrics are the same way. it’s really empowering and introspective. right now “the church of what’s happening now” and “numb” really seem to be the perfect songs for this period:

“i want to change, to rearrange
what is going on i need to change, i need to play
like a five year old

i can’t detach from the past and all of the pain
i need to learn, start from scratch begin again

throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day
throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day

so i’m going to eat one hundred sweets
i don’t care if i get fat
and i’m going to speak, i won’t censor me
i know i can take nothing back

and i’m going to jump i will unburden
i cannot go too deep
i will not run from bad things i’ve done
they’re things i’ll try not to repeat

throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day
throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day

welcome to
the church of what’s happening now
head straight through
it costs nothing but change

throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day
throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day” -”the church of what’s happening now”

i saw you cry today
the pain may fill you
i saw you shy away
the pain will not kill you

you made me smile today
you spoke with many voices
we travelled miles today
shared expressions voiceless

it has to end
living in your head
without anything to numb you
living on the edge
without anything to numb you

it has to end to begin

began an end today
gave and got given
you made a friend today
kindred soul cracked spirit

it has to end to begin

living in your head
without anything to numb you
living on the edge
without anything to numb you

it had to end to begin

living in your head
without anything to numb you
living on the edge
without anything to numb you

it has begun -”numb”

procrastination November 7, 2007

it’s definitely 3:30am and i have gotten no work done tonight. i can’t seem to make myself do ANYTHING lately. that’s not good. tonight for example i really need to do a paper for humanities that is ungodly late; accounting homework; and a short write up for my business law class (well that one is due at sme point by email today). i think i can make myself do the accounting after this, but the paper is feeling like “what’s the point” and is someting i feel obligated to do really well on, seeing that it’s so late. i’d be much more comfortable with doing it half-assed and just getting it done, but i know that it needs to be good, and that i’m completely ridiculous for putting it off this long.

i did get t o talk to my dad tonight, though, and that was nice. it’s been awhile since i’ve talked to my family. we’re not a talk-on-the-phone family, so it’s not that weird, but still it had been a long time. they’re doing well, which is good.

work was ok. the people at this store are so nice. i’m such a fuckup. i was late again, and finally they said something to me, but it was in the nicest possible way they could. so i feel like i should actually try to change my ways.

i’m really bored with my life right now. school is the same every week. work is ok, but boring. there are very few standout things at the moment. there are good things. i don’t mean to say there aren’t. but there are no surprises. and it’s incredibly dull for me.

i registered for next semester. it seems like it will be better than this one. i hope so. that would be amazing. i don’t remember everything i’m taking offhand, but it should be ok.

in my neverending cycle of distraction, i “bought” the new saul williams cd: “the inevitable rise and liberation of niggy tardust.” it’s on his website: http://niggytardust.com/ and you can download it there either for free or for a $5 donation that goes straight to him. it’s kinda cool. the cd is surprising. trent reznor collaborated with him for it. saul williams is amazing as always, though. and it provided an interesting shift from the regular ways of avoiding work.

maybe i can go get something done. even if it’s not all of what i need to finish, it’ll be better than nothing.

(c)2005 lostpixels on deviantart

halloween October 30, 2007

um, none for me thanks.

so people, i never do anything for halloween, and i kinda like it that way. i know it’s fun for people to dress up and go out, but i never really got into it as a kid, and chances are i never will.

plus (and many people might not know about this, but for those that do, it’ll make perfect sense) pumpkins from above.

oh and it’s fucking wednesday night. i might celebrate by going and getting a drink with whoever else is objecting to halloween, which may not be anyone, and i’m not trying to be boring or above it or anything, but a girl has no chance of being able to come up with a decision of what to be, and no chance that i’m buying a costume from one of those scary stores.

hope everyone else has a great time, though.

bored October 28, 2007

i’m bored out of my fucking mind! and yes i have tons of work i could be doing. when is that not ever the case? but i don’t feel like doing any of it right now. i’m so sick of doing it and worrying about it, and not sleeping to do so. that’s a wrap for tonight. i really want to go out, but to do what? with who? it’s still early so this situation is not critical yet, but i really can’t deal with work tonight. i’m sick of school to a thelma-and-louise-roadtrip-out-of-my-life type of way. it’s real serious. i’m boring myself right now just thinking about how fucking boring it all is. and that means i’m probably boring you, whoever you are. so i’ma stop now.

the sign says: October 22, 2007

“welcome to the joys of the third shift life”

this is sort of misleading as i have been a frequent visitor for awhile, but recently it has reached critical status. i’m trying not to get so behind with my work, but part of me feels like – realistically – i should just worry about what i can actually control at this point in the game. and i want to do well this semester, but i have to resign myself to not expecting to end up perfect (or even anywhere fucking close).

i finished reading the kite runner for my humanities class last night. why was there not a written warning for us to sign before reading it? i’m just saying because that thing – while very beautiful – fucked me up. i was crying and crying. and my paper for it is gonna be even more late because i had lent out my humanities book, and i kinda sorta need it for that. i mean it’s fine. i wasn’t rushing to write that paper anyway, but it is looming.

beyond that, i am officially sneaky spy status today, as i have to attend the other section of managerial accounting, which is the room right beside the class i’m actually supposed to be in at the same time, which is my human resources class. that class does not have an attendance policy, and believe me, i’d much rather be there than accounting, but a girl has to choose her battles wisely. and accounting is not to be missed, or i will be completely lost. but i’d hate to be caught by my other teacher. that would take a lot of explaining, that i just don’t want to do. my head is not clear enough to come up with reasons that sound legitimate.

yesterday was very frustrating for a few reasons, and the aftermath is that i really don’t know what to do or think or possibly say about a certain situation, and it made me really confused and kind of really sad. not giving up or in, but definitely not as hopeful as before, which – to be fair – is much more certain ground in this situation, even though i was hoping to avoid all that.

why am i not in humanities? it is going on right now. i’ll tell you why. and this relates directly to the third shift life. i was up until 7:30, and slept for an hour, intending to go to accounting at 9:00 (i really want to see how i did on our exam from wed, because i think i did well), but when that damn alarm rang i knew it was not meant to be. so i set it again, and when it rang the next time, the same feeling. then i woke up startled and realized i was already 10 minutes late to my humanities class. i’m not supposed to miss anymore, but i am so crazyface and would’ve had to have gotten ready and rushed over there and been hella late, and while that’s not usually a problem for me, i feel it is not a good look for today. i would’ve been really late, and paperless. so whatever extreme consequences with regards to my grade apply here, i am willing to accept them. i just couldn’t do it today.

blah blah blah, right? but seriously, nothing really exciting is happening right now, so this craziness is it for now. i’m really already counting down the days til thanksgiving, when i can leave here for a few days, but i’m also feeling really distant from my family in a lot of ways, and not really sure how to deal with all of that. i just need to stop thinking about things in terms of “what should be” and focus on “what is” so i can deal. that goes for school and home and everything else.

i have a counseling appointment tomorrow, and maybe for the first time ever, i really don’t want to talk about anything. i’m constantly worrying about it all in my head and it doesn’t change anything, so i think i should not continue things as usual, and then worry about them out loud. it hasn’t been helping, and it’s not the counselor – i love her – but it’s just all secondary to the more immediate needs of getting things done right now, and that is not something i like, but it just is, and talking about how i need to get things done doesn’t get them done or make me hate doing it any less. brian said something funny last week, when we were complaining about school. he mentioned that he tries to find the fun in even the most boring classes, and that he knew i did not work like that. he said he loved that if i wasn’t feeling something there was no way i’d pretend like i was and everything was cool. but i always focus on the negative and it’s exhausting but i can’t play make believe and pretend things are fine, because that is just so fake. no amount of convincing can get me past that.

so i guess in the end the moral of this most recent visit to the third shift life, is not to return for a while, because it makes me do crazy shit like write all this down, when i should be back asleep or something.

*there’s no music right now, but there is a nice cool breeze and fall weather finally, which is really happy for me. now if only it would not switch back and forth between that and end of summer weather, we’d be ok.

help October 17, 2007

i have to do well on my accounitng exam tomorrow morning. i just have to. but i am bad at studying for accounting. when i look over all of it, i’m like, “ok i understand this,” but then i see it on a test and i’m thinking: “oh dear god no.”

besides that i have to read the kite runner and complete my midterm by friday. and i may or may not have even started it yet. oh and i spilled wine on it. so sad. i really do want to read it, but i’m feeling a lot of dread that i will not have enough time this week.

besides these things, school is basically going along the same as always.

also i’m working more because i need more dollars. that’s ok really, except for the fact that through some cosmic force time completely stands still at the asheville mall. i walk into the parking deck after working and think, “how long has it been..?” kinda in the same way as a released inmate seeing the outside world again. i like the people i work with, so it’s not that at all, it’s just that i’m always tired and it seems to go on forever.

also something possibly very nice might be happening. i feel wierd talking about it, so i won’t but i have to put something down to remind myself how much the slightest thing this person does makes me smile for no apparent reason.

anyway, i’m off to the dripolator to get some coffee because it’s gonna be a long night for me. why do i get so behind? and why does accounting fill my heart with fear? maybe i have a phobia and it’s just really detrimental for me to have to do this stuff. if so, thanks a lot school administration for making me take it. thanks.

wish me luck.

to add to the list October 11, 2007

there is a boot on my car. i just finished paying $125 at the end of september, and now there’s another one. i forgot i had parked in the wrong area, intending to move it last night.

so i go to pay for it and the fucking credit pay system is down today. in the meanwhile i’m supposed to be at my business law professor’s office taking my midterm right now. i’ve sent her emails telling her what’s going on, but i’m sure she’s feeling like “not my problem, get over here.” so i asked the cashier person to call the campus police and tell them please not to tow my car since i can’t pay for it with the system being down, and he tells me to tell them. i asked him why would they care if i tell them this?! can you please just cal them and tell them to wait? so he did and they will, but i’m hanging in the balance until then, and who knows when it’ll be fixed and i can go take my exam.

also i have tons of things to do today, and there really isn’t any time for these problems. as it is, i will probably have to miss my i.t. class in order to take this exam downtown, which just has to get done today for some unknown reason. i’m just a shit magnet or something. it never fails. and these people are pissing me off. i know it’s my fault for parking in the wrong place but give me a fucking break guys.

i had my counseling appointment today and i love my counselor but it is not helpful that much to just hear: “you just have to get all these things done and get through this right now” so it was frustrating. not her fault at all, but still frustrating.

i’m ready to snap at any minute. this is just too much for me to deal with in a sensible fashion, and i’m pissed.

it’s a short week October 11, 2007

but don’t let that stop it from being crazy as hell. i’m overwhelmed to the point that it is funny.

and here’s why:

1) tomorrow immediately after my counseling appointment i am to go to my business law professor’s law office downtown to complete my midterm for her class. the one i missed due to my illness last week. the in-class one was scheduled to last 2 1/2 hours, so please believe i’m scared. i’m memorizing legal terms at this very moment. this is not a game.

2) i have yet another bullshit assignment for my lovely i.t. class that is due in class immediately after my rescheduled midterm. it won’t be hard, except to fight back the urge to projectile vomit from another sickening waste of my life due to mgmt 386.

3) i have to decide on my internship for next semester to meet and discuss by friday with my advisor.

4) online humanities posts about the feminism lecture by friday. reading The Kite Runner and completing my midterm for humanities by the 19th.

5) paper on recent h.r. related articles/news pieces due tomorrow at 5. and i also have a job analysis project that will take me forEVER in human resources, which is due monday.

6) my second accounting exam on wed 17th.

i just got back from the coffeeshop and studying for my  business law midterm. this will continue probably all night, except for enough time to complete my i.t., h.r., and business law (for the 2 1/2 hour class tomorrow night) assignments that are also due tomorrow.

unecessary and unappealing and unlikely to survive are all terms that come to mind.

back to life October 5, 2007

in the interest of doing it up big, i was completely and utterly sick to death for one day and night only. if you missed it, be glad, if not, so sorry but it looks like it’s over. i feel a lot better today. no fever or grossness.

however, being that i was incapacitated yesterday, i was not able to work on my fucking database assignment, which was due yeasterday in class. my teacher do not care about sick notes, so my shit is late. and furthermore it is vury unlikely that i’ll finish it before 5 today, so i’ll be turning in an incomplete and late project. it’s just how it has to be, because each day she deducts 20%, and won’t accept work over email, and since my ass is leaving no matter what, today’s all i got.

besides that ridiculous business, i have a humanities lecture at 11:25, and have to get all my shit together to go home for the weekend. i’ll probably leave around 6, so i am hoping to get home around 10:30 tonight. i can’t wait! i miss errybody so much. this fall break is gonna be great for me. i do have a lot of work to do over the break, however. i have to read a novel for humanities, research my internship options for next semester, and study for my make-up business law midterm when i get back. but i’m still so happy to be leaving and to get away from some craziness up in here.

ian pooley f/ esthero – blames (a better life):

why…? October 4, 2007

inevitably i end up sick on holidays or breaks. i have some sort of viral nastiness that has broke a bitch down. my fevers have all been 101+ and  i feel genrally pretty shitty. this does mean i can reschedule my midterm tonight. she’s so nice. and conversely it don’t mean shit for my i.t. class, so i’ll have to finish that bullshit somehow for a late grade. we’ll see how that goes. right now i am severely crazyface and sore and feverish and on and on, so i’d rather not talk with her to be perfectly fair. i just sent an email.  i really hope i get better quickly because i’m not happy to think i’ll be feeling this way all over fall break. i don’t want to miss jody’s party or not be able to see erryones while i’m back.

meanwhile i need some panera chicken noodle soup in my life. and lots of water. sick lady coming through people – watch yourself!