even though i really like this blog a lot, i have started a new one. that doesn’t mean i might not post here some more, but probably most things will be here:
thank you.
questioning January 22, 2008
i try not to think about the distance of the setting sun
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the saints and sinners, who have more fun?
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the evil empires and stupid fools
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the regulations and the rules
i try not to think about the rain
- What’s wrong with me? -
i try not to think about the money, the mortgage on my home
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the voice mails, e-mails, angry females on the phone
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the job and all responsibilities
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about my TV, BBC or MTV
i try not to think about the rain
-What’s wrong with me?-
i try not to think about the planets when they line up wrong
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the future or the future, so on and so on
i try not to think about the rain
-What’s wrong with me?
for the past few days i’ve been waking up from really intense dreams. this is wierd for me, because i rarely remember my dreams at all. the other day my heart was beating so fast i could see it through three blankets, but this morning i woke up and wasn’t sure i could move.
i don’t feel very comfortable getting into what i think the dream meant, but i am writing it down here so i won’t forget it. for the majority of the dream, i witnessed a scene where two men – who seemed as adversaries – were torturing each other and daring the other one to kill them. i was either watching this or was one of the men from moment to moment. after that i was with my brother and my dad and we were watching old home videos, and my brother left after watching a funny one (that i don’t remember or may have missed before arriving) and my dad passed one with his dad – my grampa, who’s been gone for several years – and i had a sinking feeling we were going to watch a video of him after he’d had his stroke and wasn’t really himself anymore. and we did. i’m not going to talk about that video (which i’m unclear on whether it exists or not), but i watched my dad and my grampa together, and it felt like dying. i really felt my heart break, and woke up feeling crippled. and that’s been nearly 15 minutes ago, and i’m still feeling it. i didn’t know whether to write it down, or go back to sleep, or watch something distracting, so i chose this.
i’ve been having so many doubts recently and i’m not really sure what to do. i know the things i need to do right now, but don’t feel like i can do them. furthermore i really can’t see past them. i feel like i know what would help, but nothing seems enough. i feel trapped and i can’t bring myslef to cry. it’s the most hopeless feeling ever.
nothing to say, really December 30, 2007
but for some reason i want to write something anyway.
i know everyone’s probably heard this a bazillion times already but can we talk about how fast 2007 has gone by? seriously, i am really blown away. this brings us to the topic of new years. there’s so much pressure to do something amazing, but i’m thinking lowkey with several key people would be the better way to go this year. i’m excited about the new year. i can’t help it. it’s so tempting to truly feel like you can start over.
we’ll see.
not to be a broken record but i really feel that working this holiday is turning me into a monster. anytime i even think about that place, i become irrationally annoyed. i have to work tomorrow, of course. and like a true crazy person, inescapable thoughts of dramatic illnesses i could have to get out of it keep coming to my mind. i’ve decided (at least for now) to take the high road and go in, but this could quite possibly mean that i will be in a terrible mood, as i was today.
and if i have to hear one more fucking xmas song i will completely go nuts. yeah i love it too, but it is over. there is no excuse for the stretching out of the same xmas music up until new years. it’s unnatural. and the spirit of the holidays is way more dead and gone, because people are fucking nuts like never before. i find myself making disgusted faces without knowing it, nearly everytime i am confronted with them. there’s no censoring it anymore. i made a command decision to not work the last week i’m here. sure the money would be nice, but for my sanity, i really must not.
and although the holidays are over, i really want to do something nice for my family, being that i was a broke bitch before the holidays and could really barely pull anything together. but i know if i do get something, they’ll say i shouldn’t have, and it could turn into a big thing. regardless, i have my eyes open for ideas.
the thought of school starting back is not one i’m fond of. so i won’t think about it anymore.
my mind is racing right now, and i can’t sleep. i feel really exhausted but i can’t sleep. i just keep thinking about all these things i need to do (and not doing them, of course), and it keeps me from being able to relax.
it has been so nice to see and talk to some people that i haven’t seen in so long! i got to see katy and zoe 3x while they were home, and it was really great to catch up. got to talk to sasha last night too. and i’ve seen several other people already, too. i’m so glad i have a couple more weeks, because things have been so crazy, and i just don’t feel like i’ve spent enough time with my friends here or my family. and i don’t get home that much with work in asheville, so i’m trying to make it count.
i guess that’s the biggest jumble of thoughts ever. maybe i can sleep now. thanks for listening.
slightly drunken realization December 22, 2007
ok, so i have got to change some things. i don’t want to go into details for fear of being dramatic, but i really have to change some things. it’s not pretty. but who knows, maybe i can. it is the start of a new year. that seems like the perfect time.
what a week. a lot of realizations. and not much time to make sense of them.
and yes, it’s 2:30 something and i have to work at 12, and i’m beyond tired. the christmas craziness has turned me into a delerious mess. i have no idea what’s going on. but arguably that is the best way to get through the holidays…
things have been pretty good, though, actually. i have been working a lot, but it’s been good. people are not cranky, which is good for me and them. i really have a zero tolerance for bullshit, and i would be incapable of dealing with that in an appropriate manner. i seriously might cuss someone out if they get hella fresh while i’m a hostage at the br. i’ve gotten to spend some time with my family, too, which has been nice. wrapping gifts and decorating and watching movies and all that holiday stuff has really been fun.
i should be in bed, but my mind is racing and i can’t sleep. this is will regret later, i’m sure.
for now though, i am listening to new esthero songs on her myspace (which of course are fucking amazing!), drinking wine, and watching old sex and the city episodes in the background.
how happy am i not to be in school right now. it’s a very good thing.
my 386 webpage November 20, 2007
so this is it so far. what a pain. but i feel as though i should post about it anyway, seeing as i couldn’t figure out any other way to put my powerpoint slides on the page, except by linking it to this page.
*my slides:
it costs nothing but change November 14, 2007
the past few days have been very difficult for me. i feel like i’ve bottomed out on how badly i can screw up my schoolwork and my obligations. the past few days i really could not manage to care about anything. i have been completely distant from everyone and everything, and hiding in my room with my music on non-stop.
but the beautiful thing is that i think i’ve come through to the other side of it all. and i’m better off having been through it.
(c) 2006 lostpixels on deviantart
i know that i have made a lot of mistakes recently, and i think i have finally realized that i have to stop thinking about those things and letting them hold me back. so tonight i am getting some things done. it won’t be everything i need to get done by any means, but it’s something. i’m not shooting low on purpose, just focusing on accomplishing something and focusing on those good things, rather than what i still haven’t done.
i’ve listened to sia’s colour the small one twice today, and a couple of the songs really speak to what i have been feeling. i love her music. her voice is so fragile but strong at the same time. her lyrics are the same way. it’s really empowering and introspective. right now “the church of what’s happening now” and “numb” really seem to be the perfect songs for this period:
“i want to change, to rearrange
what is going on i need to change, i need to play
like a five year old
i can’t detach from the past and all of the pain
i need to learn, start from scratch begin again
throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day
throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day
so i’m going to eat one hundred sweets
i don’t care if i get fat
and i’m going to speak, i won’t censor me
i know i can take nothing back
and i’m going to jump i will unburden
i cannot go too deep
i will not run from bad things i’ve done
they’re things i’ll try not to repeat
throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day
throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day
welcome to
the church of what’s happening now
head straight through
it costs nothing but change
throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day
throw away yesterday
today is a brand new day” -”the church of what’s happening now”
i saw you cry today
the pain may fill you
i saw you shy away
the pain will not kill you
you made me smile today
you spoke with many voices
we travelled miles today
shared expressions voiceless
it has to end
living in your head
without anything to numb you
living on the edge
without anything to numb you
it has to end to begin
began an end today
gave and got given
you made a friend today
kindred soul cracked spirit
it has to end to begin
living in your head
without anything to numb you
living on the edge
without anything to numb you
it had to end to begin
living in your head
without anything to numb you
living on the edge
without anything to numb you
it has begun -”numb”
halloween October 30, 2007
um, none for me thanks.
so people, i never do anything for halloween, and i kinda like it that way. i know it’s fun for people to dress up and go out, but i never really got into it as a kid, and chances are i never will.
plus (and many people might not know about this, but for those that do, it’ll make perfect sense) pumpkins from above.
oh and it’s fucking wednesday night. i might celebrate by going and getting a drink with whoever else is objecting to halloween, which may not be anyone, and i’m not trying to be boring or above it or anything, but a girl has no chance of being able to come up with a decision of what to be, and no chance that i’m buying a costume from one of those scary stores.
hope everyone else has a great time, though.
initial website results September 20, 2007
frontpage is driving me fucking nuts. so this is what has come of the webpage after a couple hours. all we were supposed to do was mess with the options. mines definitley look messed wit. it has erased letters and removed links and drawings that i had put up on der. but regardless, i’m through with that bullshit. here is the link:
http://students.unca.edu/mjwilkin/mywebpage.htm
later it will just have my work for the class on it. really fucking boring. but for now it’s kinda ok.
fallen off September 17, 2007
i’ve really fallen off with my work and with blogging and nearly everything in my life. if you’re surprised by this, we may not know each other well. but i am up at 5:45 in the morning and have been for hours now, still studying for my first accounting exam of the semester, which i am admittedly terrified by. so some degree of onpointness is occurring, but the outcome is yet to be determined. i have strong resolve to get my obligations met this week, though. i have this exam today and an information technology exam tomorrow and a human resources management exam wed, so i am going to set goals and get them accomplished if it kills me. cause some shit has got to change around here.
in a serious way.
on a neverending search September 6, 2007
for my motivation. it has left again. i have been staring at this stupid case all damn day! i have to finish this brief for my business law class. why can i not just do things when i need to get them done? why does there have to be all this stress and pressure for me to finally buckle down and accomplish anything?
i mean, i’m just saying.
and my classes are so fucking boring! i’m dying. a slow and painful agonizing death. not to be too dramatic of anything. this business law class is the worst, though. i can’t imagine wanting to be a lawyer. i’d rather be a criminal to make all that money than be a lawyer. i’d be just as bad at both, i’m sure.
i have got to catch up on my reading and my work this weekend. in a serious way. what do i need to motivate myself? i just have no idea. i am having a hard time giving a fuck about anything right now. maybe something’s wrong with me. who knows. it’s real bad though.
anyway i’m off to bang myhead against a brick wall finish my case brief and my reading.
ebtg. before today (live):
