i try not to think about the distance of the setting sun
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the saints and sinners, who have more fun?
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the evil empires and stupid fools
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the regulations and the rules
i try not to think about the rain
- What’s wrong with me? -
i try not to think about the money, the mortgage on my home
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the voice mails, e-mails, angry females on the phone
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the job and all responsibilities
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about my TV, BBC or MTV
i try not to think about the rain
-What’s wrong with me?-
i try not to think about the planets when they line up wrong
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the future or the future, so on and so on
i try not to think about the rain
-What’s wrong with me?
for the past few days i’ve been waking up from really intense dreams. this is wierd for me, because i rarely remember my dreams at all. the other day my heart was beating so fast i could see it through three blankets, but this morning i woke up and wasn’t sure i could move.
i don’t feel very comfortable getting into what i think the dream meant, but i am writing it down here so i won’t forget it. for the majority of the dream, i witnessed a scene where two men – who seemed as adversaries – were torturing each other and daring the other one to kill them. i was either watching this or was one of the men from moment to moment. after that i was with my brother and my dad and we were watching old home videos, and my brother left after watching a funny one (that i don’t remember or may have missed before arriving) and my dad passed one with his dad – my grampa, who’s been gone for several years – and i had a sinking feeling we were going to watch a video of him after he’d had his stroke and wasn’t really himself anymore. and we did. i’m not going to talk about that video (which i’m unclear on whether it exists or not), but i watched my dad and my grampa together, and it felt like dying. i really felt my heart break, and woke up feeling crippled. and that’s been nearly 15 minutes ago, and i’m still feeling it. i didn’t know whether to write it down, or go back to sleep, or watch something distracting, so i chose this.
i’ve been having so many doubts recently and i’m not really sure what to do. i know the things i need to do right now, but don’t feel like i can do them. furthermore i really can’t see past them. i feel like i know what would help, but nothing seems enough. i feel trapped and i can’t bring myslef to cry. it’s the most hopeless feeling ever.
