questioning January 22, 2008

i try not to think about the distance of the setting sun
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the saints and sinners, who have more fun?
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the evil empires and stupid fools
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the regulations and the rules
i try not to think about the rain
- What’s wrong with me? -
i try not to think about the money, the mortgage on my home
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the voice mails, e-mails, angry females on the phone
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the job and all responsibilities
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about my TV, BBC or MTV
i try not to think about the rain

-What’s wrong with me?-

i try not to think about the planets when they line up wrong
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the future or the future, so on and so on
i try not to think about the rain

-What’s wrong with me?

for the past few days i’ve been waking up from really intense dreams. this is wierd for me, because i rarely remember my dreams at all. the other day my heart was beating so fast i could see it through three blankets, but this morning i woke up and wasn’t sure i could move.

i don’t feel very comfortable getting into what i think the dream meant, but i am writing it down here so i won’t forget it. for the majority of the dream, i witnessed a scene where two men – who seemed as adversaries – were torturing each other and daring the other one to kill them. i was either watching this or was one of the men from moment to moment. after that i was with my brother and my dad and we were watching old home videos, and my brother left after watching a funny one (that i don’t remember or may have missed before arriving) and my dad passed one with his dad – my grampa, who’s been gone for several years – and i had a sinking feeling we were going to watch a video of him after he’d had his stroke and wasn’t really himself anymore. and we did. i’m not going to talk about that video (which i’m unclear on whether it exists or not), but i watched my dad and my grampa together, and it felt like dying. i really felt my heart break, and woke up feeling crippled. and that’s been nearly 15 minutes ago, and i’m still feeling it. i didn’t know whether to write it down, or go back to sleep, or watch something distracting, so i chose this.

i’ve been having so many doubts recently and i’m not really sure what to do. i know the things i need to do right now, but don’t feel like i can do them. furthermore i really can’t see past them. i feel like i know what would help, but nothing seems enough. i feel trapped and i can’t bring myslef to cry. it’s the most hopeless feeling ever.

you’re fired (apparently) January 18, 2008

so it appears that the phone call that was made over the holidays between the two stores i work at has resulted in me being fired without even knowing about it.

i finished out my shifts over break and had one week off, and was planning on starting back at the store here and called them on sunday to let them know i was back, and there was no news of me being fired. i called again on tuesday regarding schedules and still no notification. i called today to find out about next week’s schedules, and was given the news.

now it seems like the store that fired me would have let me know, or at least someone should have.

i’m not really sure what i’m supposed to do. it feels like all this has happened behind my back, and i’m pissed about that. but i don’t know if i should call the store at home and talk to them, or what. i don’t really feel like doing any of that right now, though.

what a nice way to start off the weekend. thanks once again.

day one January 14, 2008

i’ve delayed making a new years’ post about how i’m going to magically change all these things that i’m unsatisfied with in my life. largely because the list keeps growing, but also because i am really intent on working through some things.

that being said, it is going to be really tough.

after my visit to my doctor over break, and realizing that things are really not going well in pretty much all areas of my health, i have made some decisions. i’ve made an appointment to speak with a psychiatrist and see if i could benefit from that in some ways. also i am eating better and plan on starting to exercise at least some. i have been trying to get more sleep too. i need to find a local endocrinologist in asheville as well, but i will have to do some fun health insurance research to come up with in-network providers here.

school. school. school. it just keeps getting crazier and crazier. i’m really going to try and stay on top of things this time around, but there are already – on day one – some interesting hurdles.

(1) the first and foremost being that i have to take my accounting final from last semester. i am terrified of taking it, and would normally be inclined to wait until the last possible day in order to theoretically give as much time to study as possible. but i really can’t do that this time. i need to take it next week at the latest, because if i don’t do well in the class, i will have to re-take the class this semester. i really hope it doesn’t come to that.

today i had 3 of my classes, and it is going to be intense.

(2) the first is health and wellness, and if i can just manage to get there at 9 on mondays and wednesdays i’ll be alright.

(3) the second is management science, which is going to kick my ass in aridiculous way, because it is a math class with calculus and all kinds of craziness. i really might not have ever been so afraid the first day of a class.

(4) the third is promotion management, which will be a bit more of the management stuff that i like, but i have the marketing teacher from before, and that could potentially be a problem. i really made a concerted effort to be on time today and got to the stair of the building with 2 mins til class started. so at most i would’ve gotten there right on time. and he still commented about me always being late. i knew i was going to have him as the teacher, and was hoping to have a better beginning to this class, but that is just not going to be the case. he approached me after class talking about how i’m always late, and i just couldn’t handle it from the jump. he really does not like me, and singled me out in class multiple times in the last class, and appears to be set on stepping his game up a notch this time. which i understand, but simply cannot abide. i had to throw it right back, because trying to change so many things and still coming up short is stressful enough without added dramatics. so i basically told him to drop the grudge, and leave me the hell alone. we’ll see.

(5) my financial aid refund came in but it is considerably less than it was supposed to be, so i have to talk to them tomorrow and find out what’s up. i’m worried because i was intending on paying my credit card off (or at least most of it) with my loan money. that really has to happen, too, because a lady has been too busy busy with that card, and it’s a terrible look.

i called the banana here and let them know when i could work, and sensed a little wierdness, which i have no choice but to attribute to the phone call that was made over break to them. i am not really sure how to deal with this beyond being onpoint when i see them. what a mess. and yes, i’m still feeling hateful about the whole thing.

also on a more personal note, i made the decision to delete my profiles and accounts and chat sites and personals sites, because i continue to be drawn to sketchy or dangerous men and situations. so i’m trying to keep it moving and work through whatever drives me to do that. i’ve decided, though, that it would be far better to be hypnotized out of it, because it’s going to be difficult to change problems of this type. i would completely willingly be hypnotized and be happy having it all be out of my hands. that is not the responsible choice, i realize, but i’m just trying to be realistic here. seriously, i’ve been very lucky with all my choices, but things could’ve been so much different, and that is scary and comforting at the same time. plus the time of my life when i was the most afraid of this was exactly a year ago. i don’t want to go through that again. hopefully the psychiatry will help me out here.

beyond all this craziness, i am just sad to not be at home. i’m trying to shake that off, but it’s hard. i miss everyone back home, even though the people here are just as great. it’s still not as much of a comfort as i’d like.

but i guess i’m going to go because i need to read a chapter for mgmt science and study for my accounting final and try to find the promotions textbook online somewhere (as i was singled out and told to be sure i ordered it today – asshole). i’m waiting on my other classes, because i always jump the gun and end up with books the teachers have no intentions of using, and that is not a good look for a lady on a budget.

oh and i’m trying to make my room a little less like a prison cell. it’s a work in progress at this point, and that’s being really optimistic.