not amused September 27, 2007

so as you might suspect, i am way behind on my work for school. this is why i am up at 6:45. the main cause continues to be my business law class, which i cannot even express my deep-rooted hatred for. i have so much bullshit to do for that class. chapter summaries, case studies, case briefs are just the icing on the cake. also i have a lot to get done for my i.t. class within the next week: my interview and presentation, phase one of my database project, and the first real iteration of my website is due later today. ew. i will have to do that in the lab because i do not have stupid frontpage on my computer. which is actually fine because i hate that shit intensely. it may or may not take hours to simply post and arrange all the shit i have to have up.  that is just unfair on a deep level, because i have things to get together for my business law class at 6, which incidentally feels like an eternity in hell. at points my mind starts thinking of dramatic ways to escape, like i’m in some time of prison or torture. it’s just a bad look all around.

.:kill.my.soul:.

initial website results September 20, 2007

frontpage is driving me fucking nuts. so this is what has come of the webpage after a couple hours. all we were supposed to do was mess with the options. mines definitley look messed wit. it has erased letters and removed links and drawings that i had put up on der. but regardless, i’m through with that bullshit. here is the link: 

http://students.unca.edu/mjwilkin/mywebpage.htm

later it will just have my work for the class on it. really fucking boring. but for now it’s kinda ok.

refresh September 20, 2007

so i’m starting this week over. it was just too much, so that’s a wrap. i have a lot of work to do. i mean a lot. but i’ma do what i can.

today’s proceedings will commence in the following fashion:
1) wesite design for my i.t. class – i’m gonna do my damndest to make it pretty.
2) i.t. class
3) chapter reviews/hw for business law
4) business law til 8:30
5) who knows. probably some dinner and hopefully i’ll keep the working thing going skrong, cause it’s gotta happen sometime.

pearls clutched. here we go ladies.

this week is not my friend September 19, 2007

so the top things on the list of reasons why not are my 3 exams. they are managerial accounting, systems and information mgmt, and human resource mgmt consecutively. but it gets better.

so i took my accounting exam on monday and felt about as good as i’m ever gonna feel after one of those. it’s one of those courses where when you sit down to look over things for an exam you’re like, ” oh ok i know that stuff…” then when you see it worded really differently on a test you realize maybe you didn’t know it all that well. overall though i think it went reasonably well. her tests are hard as fuck. she’s way proud of it. she let’s you know from the jump that you will not finish, because it’s too long. she has different sections that test you differently: problems to do calculations and prepare statements; conceptual short answer questions (about a paragraph); conceptualmult. choice; computational mult. choice; and a take home section. now can we please talk about how i have already taken this course and knew about the take home part, and also had previously forgotten to complete it when i took the course the first time, but FORGOT IT AGAIN!!!?? that awards me with the world’s greatest fuckup title. i feel as though there is no recourse here. she’s really nice, but it’s my damn fault, but i’m going to see if there’s anything that can be done. i’m way embarrassed about it though.

exam 2 in my i.t. class was today. her tests are unnerving, because they are completely short answer, but you can never be sure you’re saying it just how she wants to hear it. she likes very succinct answers – to the point – and i, well you know how i am. very wordy, very verbose. i felt like i knew the information fairly well, but felt kind’ve thrown off by some of the questions. i really don’t know what grade to expect in there on this exam. shouldn’t be bad, but i won’t be taking home the highest score for sure.

my h.r. exam is tomorrow and i’m pretty nervous about it. i’ve heard her tests are really tricky. and in h.r. there are tons of little regulations and distinctions that i have virtually no hope of remembering correctly. buti’ma try. it’s much easier after the first exam when you know firsthand what to expect.

beyond the tests i have a shit ton of other work and things to worry about. here’s a list:

-school stuf:

(1) accounting: nothing new except coming up with a convincing argument why i deserve a chance from the take home. ew. oh and also, i’ll have a lot of hw after tomorrow.

(2) humanities: (if i actually ever did it) i have a shit ton of readings to do for the class, but that rarely seems important in my life and manages to get avoided. but i have responses to a civil rights lecture i attended, which will be interesting, and which i really enjoyed, but at the end of the day it’s just mo shit for a lady to do.

(3) h.r: catching up on the readings and reading my case study for my group project as well as my job analysis project.

(4) i.t: build a website! by tomorrow! and yes i’ve had a week. also interview my friend shawn who works in web design, because i have a presentation on that interview on oct. 2.

(5) business law: i’ve saved the best class for last. there is an ungodly amount of work i have to do for that class! i have chapter summaries and questions, case briefs, and case studies for a research paper. it’s not all due thursday, but i’m very behind. that class kills my soul the worst of all. and it only meets once a week and who can keep all that legal nonsense together? certainly not me.

(6) i must fill out my room form for housing. i have had it since day one and everytime i think about doing it i decide not right now. it’s looming large and they are gonna kick my ass with fines if i don’t hurry this shit up.

(7) 3 parking tickets to pay. yes it’s like week 4 or 5. it’s only $30, but i am hateful angry about the parking situation here. i’m gonna show my ass when i go to pay those tickets. those people truly are not ready.

-other stuff:

(1) call my health insurance provider because they are not paying for things they are supposed to. so i have to call and remind them. do they like to be reminded? uh.. no. and so it will be around and around and i will inevitably lose my cool on the phone.

(2) call my insulin pump provider to then straighten out my bill.

(3) try try try to get them to allow my parents to deal with all this business instead of me, because i don’t pay for it or keep up with it. i’m the go between. my mail is at home for a reason. i don’t have to money to pay for all of this stuff. which bring me to…

(4) i have very little money. i have not been crazy with the spending but things are not the way i would reasonably like them to be. so i have asked to work more hours. i really hope they will do that.

(5) i have a psychology appointment on thurs. i will not be able to fit everything into an hour. she’ll need bulleted points. and why?…

(6) because i am so fucking over school! i hate it so hard. i should be way done. why am i such a fuckup when it comes to school or anything important in my life? we took a personality test thing in my h.r. class an my consciencious percentage was 44.4. that’s fucking low. my neuroticism score was heroically high though: 87%. again i ask… why?

also my computer is having difficulties. this should not be. i bought a 160GB external hard drive and have 12 free gigabites for it to run with on my laptop. how much fucking space do you need?! i have no viruses (i checked twice to be sure!). i don’t need todefragment (i checked). my fan to sit my laptop on had a cord breakage and is now no more. i am also having problems with my cd/dvd-rom drive, so i uninstalled it and reinstalled it. my itunes is sickly, which makes me very sad. sometimes for no reason it plays songs all crackly and ugly sounding and requires closing and reopening. as in right now, but it is not popping back to life.

so all i can hear is the gentle hum of my laptop and crickets. …and a tiny little voice in my head screaming.

today is my mom’s birthday i will call her later of course. i will do my best to sound upbeat about my life. i have to think of what to get her for when i come home the first weekend in oct. that feels like a long time to decide but inevitably it’ll sneak up on me.

*listening to: those fucking crickets who sound so happy that it’s nighttime and my time to get things done is flying by.

>:(

fallen off September 17, 2007

i’ve really fallen off with my work and with blogging and nearly everything in my life. if you’re surprised by this, we may not know each other well. but i am up at 5:45 in the morning and have been for hours now, still studying for my first accounting exam of the semester, which i am admittedly terrified by. so some degree of onpointness is occurring, but the outcome is yet to be determined. i have strong resolve to get my obligations met this week, though. i have this exam today and an information technology exam tomorrow and a human resources management exam wed, so i am going to set goals and get them accomplished if it kills me. cause some shit has got to change around here.

in a serious way.

on a neverending search September 6, 2007

for my motivation. it has left again. i have been staring at this stupid case all damn day! i have to finish this brief for my business law class. why can i not just do things when i need to get them done? why does there have to be all this stress and pressure for me to finally buckle down and accomplish anything?

i mean, i’m just saying.

and my classes are so fucking boring! i’m dying. a slow and painful agonizing death. not to be too dramatic of anything. this business law class is the worst, though. i can’t imagine wanting to be a lawyer. i’d rather be a criminal to make all that money than be a lawyer. i’d be just as bad at both, i’m sure.

i have got to catch up on my reading and my work this weekend. in a serious way. what do i need to motivate myself? i just have no idea. i am having a hard time giving a fuck about anything right now. maybe something’s wrong with me. who knows. it’s real bad though.

anyway i’m off to bang myhead against a brick wall finish my case brief and my reading.

ebtg. before today (live):

ahem September 4, 2007

so i have decided to withdraw from health and wellness. (that sounds bad). the class, that is. and because of this i sent a very friendly email to my instructor and explained my situation and asked very earnestly and nicely if i could take the course with her next semester. and she emailed me back quickly, which was nice, but with no kinda help or friendliness to be found. while some people may consider me an asshole, i really do try to do right by people, and i’m not gonna lie that i’m pissed that she played my face like that. which brings me to the theme of the day: not giving a fuck. i’m goin for mine and if you don’t like it, shut the fuck up. that’s about it.

subway September 4, 2007

no walls to keep you in
no one to answer to
or ask where ya been
no job to tie you down
no address so ya can’t get lost
or be found
all alone in a crowded street
at the level of passing feet
so many feet
watchin’ a race run by
cage bird a need to fly
freedom in the mind’s eyes

lookin’ into the pavement crack
at the grass burstin’ back
under your feet
some wave you’re here too late
while keepin’ a world happy
with all hell to pay
but hey
it’s just another day
in paradise

-weekend players, “subway”

post-labor day weekend reflection September 4, 2007

why the fuck is the weekend over? explain that one. completely unfair.

this past weekend has been really intense for me. i got to spend time with my parents on sunday and monday. they came up to visit and we took a trip down the parkway to boone to see my grandma and my aunt. i had a really nice time, but it made me sad for some reason too. i’m not really sure how to explain it. i think the more i try to make everything go perfectly, the more it becomes clear just how unrealistic that is.

i’m completely unsatisfied with school right now. and hating it to an exhausting extent. i was really hoping for a new start this semester, but i guess that doesn’t just happen like that. also i don’t think you can just will yourself to change. not perfectly at least. and in some ironic way my need to do things perfectly or not at all expresses itself in my being a complete fucking mess. which is the most frustrating thing.

maybe the crazy drunk man who’d had a stroke was right. maybe i am just too negative. haha. you think? but acting like it’ll all be ok or work out just seems like such a pretense and so naiive, and i just don’t think that’s me.

i don’t really even know what i want to change, but it’s so annoying to not find it day after day. and it just makes me really dislike being here. a long time ago, brian and i talked about driving away like thelma and louise and i think about that and laugh sometimes, but fuck wouldn’t that be nice? not the driving over the cliff or being raped part, but everything else – hell yeah.

i have some work to do tonight. who am i kidding? this morning. but my mind is racing and i just don’t feel like it right now. i’m hoping this will clear my mind. i am already catching up with work. it’s far too early for that. very depressing.

speaking of depressing, i have gym class in the morning. and i’ve missed it twice already. i’m really thinking i should just withdraw. i know that;s lame, but my hatred and resentment for that class and having to take it at all are so strong that i feel i won’t be able to do well. plus i’m way too insecure about my body, and i just don’t see it being a good thing right now. i think i’m going to talk to the instructor in the morning and figure some shit out.

other than that today needs to be about catching up. i have a paper for systems; accounting hw; endless readings and writing and a case brief for my business law class; and a late interview plan to turn in. yeah i think i’m going to drop health and wellness with a quickness. well withdraw, i guess. drop/add is over.

why am i so bitter? some people are having the time of their lives and i can’t find it in me anywhere to give a fuck. hahaha. what are you gonna do, though, right? i mean, i guess things really will be alright. i haven’t started out particularly strong but i haven’t made any irreversible fuckups yet, so shit should be ok.

i’m out of diet coke, so i think i’m going to the store. because coffee seems a bit drastic right now. sorry for being so depressing and dramatic, but well what did you expect honestly? i’ll lay off these types of post as much as possible.

on a completely unrelated and uncharacteristically upbeat note: i am absolutely loving this new song by dj colette called “funny” – it’s on her new album “push,” which i downloaded on itunes. i can’t listen to it enough. i love it.