attempt at order August 30, 2007

“leave me alone
i just want to lay here in my room and let myself cry
i apologize if i’ve disappointed you
i got lost in my darkness and the light hurts my eyes…
…i feel tired all the time, yeah, this weight is exhausting
i cannot please everyone, least of all me
i have no more to give you, it’s all ready been stolen
tell me, what’s left for me, a melancholy melody”

-esthero

so today i felt kind of annoyed. at myself and at other people.

i’m all over the place, andi am really needing to get nailed down for working and studying, so that it doesn’t blow up in my face. and on that note, it appeared to me that my teacher in 414 was annoyed with me. the only possible reason would be because i was late. i was only late because i had previously agreed to take a friend somewhere, and just didn’t realize it would fill up the time i had to do it. i participated in class and asked questions and reflected on what we were learning, so i was feeling pretty pissed that she would be feeling some type of way about me. most people don’t say anything, but i guess if they’re on time they are exused from the bother of participation.

to be fair, i definitely blew this out of proportion, but it really bothered me. i like this teacher, but her apparent annoyance was just very badly timed. i’m really trying to make it ok that i’m even (still) here, and it’s a lot of work and worry, and if my being late is going to be that big of a deal, i’m going to turn into a colossal bitch. something’s gotta give.

that disappointed me and kind of left me in a mood for the rest of the day. i was tired all day anyway, and kinda feeling sickly, which was all too much for me to be bothered with, so i slept for a while. which of course means i have a lot to do tonight. blech. i’m leaving after this to buy a coffee machine and some really good coffee so i can stay up and read some boring ass shit.

and i’m getting my hair cut tomorrow if it takes an act of god. it’s way overdue.

time for church August 29, 2007

this has popped into my mind several times recently. i know some people think she’s offensive, but this shit is for real. ms. liquor is having church and erryones is invited courtesy of me.

and i’ve said it before, and i’m sure to say it again, but “i’m about as wo’ out as a lady could get.”

convict no mo August 28, 2007

so i just got off the phone with my lawyer, and i got improper equipment for my speeding ticket. no insurance points or license points. i’m so fucking relieved! so that’s completely taken care of now and paid fuh.

school is going ok, but i’m still feeling wierd to be here. really need to settle in, i guess. i think my parents are coming to asheville this weekend for labor day, and that’ll be fun. i just have to find out exactly when i work, which i feel like they may not know until wed. but i’ll work something out.

my sleep is ridiculously erratic recently. i have a lot on my mind. i wonder sometimes what it’s like to be a “together” person. must be nice. i mean – to be fair – i’m sure something’s fucked in their lives too, but still must be nice.

i’m hoping thsi money thing is gonna be better this go round. i’ve almost paid my credit card all the way down. that is some shit, let me tell you. i just hope i won’t be like, “ok now that it’s down i can spend some mo.” because that could seem fairly likely. but i’ma try my best.

basically, bottomline: things are really good. i’m off to a reasonably good start with school, and with work, and taking care of mine. i’m just able to always make something out of nothing practically and worry myself into the ground.

maybe i’ll think mo bettra after i get this huge hair cut. it’s driving me absolutely mad. it’s so hot and big and i can’t do anything with it. i’m sure it doesn’t look so heinous, but in my mind it feels like it does. but where to go in asheville? this is an example of a huge problem, just to be clear.

beyond that, i need to get shit right for my systems and info class at 3:10.

*i realize this video is already on my myspace, but it makes me smile everytime i hear it, so i’m putting it here too. it starts off hella shaky for a sec, buth then the camera person gets her act right until it cuts off slightly early at the end:

Esthero & a fan. Country Livin (The World I Know) (Live in LA @ The Roxy).

one week down August 27, 2007

so with the craziness of last week, i did not really feel like i fell into the groove of school. and now i’m trapped in it.

18 hours is gonna make me a mess. but that’s nothing new. i’m really gonna try and rock it though. if it doesn’t seem to be working i can drop something or withdraw if absolutely necessary.

so now i’m trying to finish my first accounting problem set. it’s not so so bad, because i know it gets much uglier from here on out. but i need to finish it shortly. i also have a shit ton of reading to do for my humanities class. that of course will get done whenever i feel like it. we just have to have a general idea to talk about it in class. and i can’t deal with all of it back to back like that.

this weekend was fun. i spent quite a lot of time with chad and robert, whom i had missed a lot over the summer. we had the best time laughing and being ridiculous at smokeys on friday, then up all night that night, then at scandals on saturday night dancing and getting our drink-and-make-comments-about-people on. other than that i haven’t really felt like i’ve spent time with anyone. i’ve seen jordanna and kenny the most, but haven’t had much chance to hang out yet. hopefully we can fix that this week.

started work at the banana here. everyone is really nice, but this store is so different. it’s kinda taking me a while to get used to. everyone does every role in the store, and sometimes it feels like i’m just straightening the whole time and ringing people up as i see em go to the register. it just feels like i’m floating around the whole shift. and time doesn’t go by as fast here, because it’s just not as busy. but i expect it will get to be much more fun after i’ve hung out with everyone a little and can really joke around with them more. they are way more gossipy than everyone at southpoint, which is kinda fun, but again i have no idea who they’re talking about. be sure i’ma find out though.

still needing to get my room and myself in some degree of cuteness. the heat is killing my soul. i also need a haircut like nobody’s business. it’s been so fro’d out and i may do something drastic, because i’m hating it a whole lot.

i feel like an in depth overview of each of my classes is in order, and i will hop on that soon. it’ll be a great way to reflect on how things progressed over the semester.

in other news, accounting is ominously waiting.

also this blog is decidedly lacking in music, so i’m going to post a video on each entry from now on.

weekend players. 21st century.

dj crazyface does asheville August 22, 2007

as it would turn out, this semester has started off in full-swing crazyface fashion.

the financial aid office and cashiers office – in true unca style – gave me mixed messages over the phone with regards to my aid and my bill first of all. all of which was irrelevant since i couldn’t fix anything without being there. but now that i am here, the long process of figuring exactly what happened with my aid has been really too much. i am not a person to deal with money problems well, so it is taking me a lot of worrying and trying to imagine myself paying off a mountain of debt after school in a job that is – as of yet – admittedly undetermined. i mean not to be dramatic or anything…

besides that, i am taking 18 hours this semester, and am doubting my capabilities as a responsible student. (pause for out of control laughter). so yeah, that plus working. i’m truly hoping to excel at everything, but it’s hard to even think about that without all the funds in question being locked down. that comes first for me. also i need books. ew. i would much rather buy them on amazon or something, but i need those bitches now! so i will be putting them on my credit card and refunding myself with my aid money.

i’m very anxious about using my credit card so much, but feel as though it’s warranted, since i’ll be putting the money right back on. i hope i will not fuck it up.

i’m trying to do this all without getting my parents to give me money, because i know things are not so easy to do all that right now. and they pay my crazy car and health insurance as it is. they will not like me accepting extra loans to cover things or using my credit card at all, but to be fair it’s because i have not been the example of financial responsibility. i’m really going to try to turn that around though. and try to become somewhat of a responsible adult. one with debt that is crazed beyond belief, but one nonetheless.

i moved in saturday night at 1 am. that feels like saying, “hi my name is jeff and i’m a …” because it always goes that way. but i’m here. my room is an ok size, but there is no a/c. so i have bought 2 fans and am trying to create a wind tunnel of sorts. and it’s loud. and so is my music. but i’ma do what i want. i’m shiny and hot and i dare someone to complain. haha.

it’s nice being here, but it’s really surreal. once things smooth out with my bill and i have all my books things will be a lot better for me. btw i’m taking: managerial accounting; postmodernism humanities class; human resource management; health and wellness; systems and information management; and business law.

i don’t even really know what to say about that…

more details to come, you can believe that. but now i have to get ready to leave for my h.r. class. she’s way too smiley. human resource people freak me out. maybe that’s largely due to crazyface freak from saks thrift avenue back in the day. i feel pretty sure it is. but whatever. off i go.

*listening to: (my loud fans) & floetry f/ common – “supastar (kaskade remix)”

in between packing/cleaning/craziness… August 18, 2007

 …a middle of the night post!
so it may not surprise anyone to know that i waited until the last minute to pack and get ready to go back to school. that is in fact what i am in the middle of doing right now. it’s going fairly well, though, which is kind of amazing actually.

i’m really sad to leave everyone that’s here in d-town  (or closeby), though! i didn’t get to see everyone i wanted to see before i had to go. some people i didn’t see all summer! that is really due to my lack of planning primarily. but my resolution for this semester is to stay in touch better. i’m really bad at that, and that’s not good.

i’m excited that i have a job waiting for me in asheville (finally!), but also a little worried that i will never be able to escape for a weekend when i need to. i’m supposed to get one weekend off a month, and i’m gonna need to hold them to that, frankly, because i need to come home at the very least that much. beyond those unknowns, i’m pretty happy about the whole thing.

i wish i could get my mp3 player to work. as it is, though, it appears i will be left to my cds. this is not a problem, though, because i have close to 400. which is why i have soooo much to pack everytime i move back to school. initially it makes me feel that i should cut back on things, but that mindset never sticks. i need a lot of things. it’s just the way it is.

i’m not really sure where i’m going with this post at this point. i guess the primary reason is to complain about packing and say again how much i’ll miss everyone! my family and friends are all down here for the most part, and that always makes going to school sad. it’ll be fine once i’m there for a minute, because i’ll be busy and crazed starting classes and getting settled.

which brings me to my schedule. ew. it’s looking really serious. i mean it’s all gonna be fine, but more and more i am very clear that i must graduate in dec 08. if this current date gets moved again, you may see me on the news. and it won’t be pretty. i have got to get out of school before i’m 1000 years old, and that clock is ticking.

meanwhile it’s close to 4 and i have had no sleep and am still not done packing or cleaning. this is truly crazy. i wish i could say with some confidence that it would make me not put myself in this situation again, but really who am i kidding. it’s how i do.

hope whoever you are that you’re partying or sleeping at this point and not reading my blog until tomorrow at some point. cause that’s what i’d rather be doing.

*listening to: chuck love – “funky ass beat”

can you help me? August 15, 2007

you see i’ve misplaced my motivation. and i am the laziest motherfucker on earth right now! i just want to sleep. but if i do that (or this – haha) then i am not cleaning up my wreck of a room, packing my things, etc to get ready for leaving on saturday. knowing me, i’ll get up there at like midnight or some shit. i really hope that is not the case. i think it’s like if i don’t do these things in some small way it’s like i’m not really having to go back to school. but sadly that’s not the case. i’m off tomorrow, but that does not really mean i’ll get things done as we can see from this week so far.

here’s a revelation. i should stop whining for once and get some shit done.

wouldn’t that be something.

*listening to: strange fruit project – “in the sun”

it’s 2:56 am August 14, 2007

and i’m awake. this under normal circumstances is not a cause for posting. but horror of horros i have to be at work at 7am!

so why the fuck am i awake? i don’t know. but i cannot sleep anymore. i slept a lot today and some tonight, and i just can’t make it happen now.

i have so much i want to do this week. people i want to see before i go back. if you think you’re on that list, then you probably are, because it’s a lot of people that i will miss being at school

i also have a lot to get done this week. i am determined to clear some things from my room that i’ve been meaning to do for awhile. and my car needs brakework so there is not more screetching. and i need to pay my lawyer again. and make sure that my transfer to the banana in asheville is set, because that did not go well with barnes and noble last year. ugh. hopefully it will be, though.

in other not so surprising news. i don’t want to start school again. but i’ma make it work. i will have my own room, which i’m very happy about. and i have missed my friends in asheville, so it will be so great to see them!

this is so random. maybe that’s enough for now.

absolutely mortified August 13, 2007

apparently i was a shitty shitty mess last night. i am so horrified. but i would rather not know any more about what happened. i don’t think i can handle it. so whoever reads this, please don’t tell me, unless you absolutely must.

i’m really going to have to change and not drink for awhile, because i’m really embarassed about last night. and also really worried that i don’t have any memory of how the night ended or how i got home alive.

scary.

here’s the thing August 13, 2007

i may or may not have any memory of the end of last night. yeah. i am not even sure how many drinks i had. it couldn’t have been more than 4 or 5. let’s hope, at least. i definitely didn’t get another ticket because i would remember that, but i really have no memory of leaving or driving home or getting into bed. this is not news, i realize, but it is freaking me out a little bit. i’m certain i have no idea what i said or did at the end of the night, and perhaps we should keep it that way, but i am a bit curious in a very worried type of way. right now i’m going to check my bank account and make sure that i didn’t fuck up royally and buy more drinks than i should. just as a way to torture myself, because clearly it’s too late now. and the moral of this story appears to be: boys and girls, don’t drink your cocktails like it’s a contest to finish first. you’ll end up like this man…