even though i really like this blog a lot, i have started a new one. that doesn’t mean i might not post here some more, but probably most things will be here:
thank you.
questioning January 22, 2008
i try not to think about the distance of the setting sun
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the saints and sinners, who have more fun?
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the evil empires and stupid fools
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the regulations and the rules
i try not to think about the rain
- What’s wrong with me? -
i try not to think about the money, the mortgage on my home
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the voice mails, e-mails, angry females on the phone
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the job and all responsibilities
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about my TV, BBC or MTV
i try not to think about the rain
-What’s wrong with me?-
i try not to think about the planets when they line up wrong
i try not to think about the rain
i try not to think about the future or the future, so on and so on
i try not to think about the rain
-What’s wrong with me?
for the past few days i’ve been waking up from really intense dreams. this is wierd for me, because i rarely remember my dreams at all. the other day my heart was beating so fast i could see it through three blankets, but this morning i woke up and wasn’t sure i could move.
i don’t feel very comfortable getting into what i think the dream meant, but i am writing it down here so i won’t forget it. for the majority of the dream, i witnessed a scene where two men – who seemed as adversaries – were torturing each other and daring the other one to kill them. i was either watching this or was one of the men from moment to moment. after that i was with my brother and my dad and we were watching old home videos, and my brother left after watching a funny one (that i don’t remember or may have missed before arriving) and my dad passed one with his dad – my grampa, who’s been gone for several years – and i had a sinking feeling we were going to watch a video of him after he’d had his stroke and wasn’t really himself anymore. and we did. i’m not going to talk about that video (which i’m unclear on whether it exists or not), but i watched my dad and my grampa together, and it felt like dying. i really felt my heart break, and woke up feeling crippled. and that’s been nearly 15 minutes ago, and i’m still feeling it. i didn’t know whether to write it down, or go back to sleep, or watch something distracting, so i chose this.
i’ve been having so many doubts recently and i’m not really sure what to do. i know the things i need to do right now, but don’t feel like i can do them. furthermore i really can’t see past them. i feel like i know what would help, but nothing seems enough. i feel trapped and i can’t bring myslef to cry. it’s the most hopeless feeling ever.
you’re fired (apparently) January 18, 2008
so it appears that the phone call that was made over the holidays between the two stores i work at has resulted in me being fired without even knowing about it.
i finished out my shifts over break and had one week off, and was planning on starting back at the store here and called them on sunday to let them know i was back, and there was no news of me being fired. i called again on tuesday regarding schedules and still no notification. i called today to find out about next week’s schedules, and was given the news.
now it seems like the store that fired me would have let me know, or at least someone should have.
i’m not really sure what i’m supposed to do. it feels like all this has happened behind my back, and i’m pissed about that. but i don’t know if i should call the store at home and talk to them, or what. i don’t really feel like doing any of that right now, though.
what a nice way to start off the weekend. thanks once again.
day one January 14, 2008
i’ve delayed making a new years’ post about how i’m going to magically change all these things that i’m unsatisfied with in my life. largely because the list keeps growing, but also because i am really intent on working through some things.
that being said, it is going to be really tough.
after my visit to my doctor over break, and realizing that things are really not going well in pretty much all areas of my health, i have made some decisions. i’ve made an appointment to speak with a psychiatrist and see if i could benefit from that in some ways. also i am eating better and plan on starting to exercise at least some. i have been trying to get more sleep too. i need to find a local endocrinologist in asheville as well, but i will have to do some fun health insurance research to come up with in-network providers here.
school. school. school. it just keeps getting crazier and crazier. i’m really going to try and stay on top of things this time around, but there are already – on day one – some interesting hurdles.
(1) the first and foremost being that i have to take my accounting final from last semester. i am terrified of taking it, and would normally be inclined to wait until the last possible day in order to theoretically give as much time to study as possible. but i really can’t do that this time. i need to take it next week at the latest, because if i don’t do well in the class, i will have to re-take the class this semester. i really hope it doesn’t come to that.
today i had 3 of my classes, and it is going to be intense.
(2) the first is health and wellness, and if i can just manage to get there at 9 on mondays and wednesdays i’ll be alright.
(3) the second is management science, which is going to kick my ass in aridiculous way, because it is a math class with calculus and all kinds of craziness. i really might not have ever been so afraid the first day of a class.
(4) the third is promotion management, which will be a bit more of the management stuff that i like, but i have the marketing teacher from before, and that could potentially be a problem. i really made a concerted effort to be on time today and got to the stair of the building with 2 mins til class started. so at most i would’ve gotten there right on time. and he still commented about me always being late. i knew i was going to have him as the teacher, and was hoping to have a better beginning to this class, but that is just not going to be the case. he approached me after class talking about how i’m always late, and i just couldn’t handle it from the jump. he really does not like me, and singled me out in class multiple times in the last class, and appears to be set on stepping his game up a notch this time. which i understand, but simply cannot abide. i had to throw it right back, because trying to change so many things and still coming up short is stressful enough without added dramatics. so i basically told him to drop the grudge, and leave me the hell alone. we’ll see.
(5) my financial aid refund came in but it is considerably less than it was supposed to be, so i have to talk to them tomorrow and find out what’s up. i’m worried because i was intending on paying my credit card off (or at least most of it) with my loan money. that really has to happen, too, because a lady has been too busy busy with that card, and it’s a terrible look.
i called the banana here and let them know when i could work, and sensed a little wierdness, which i have no choice but to attribute to the phone call that was made over break to them. i am not really sure how to deal with this beyond being onpoint when i see them. what a mess. and yes, i’m still feeling hateful about the whole thing.
also on a more personal note, i made the decision to delete my profiles and accounts and chat sites and personals sites, because i continue to be drawn to sketchy or dangerous men and situations. so i’m trying to keep it moving and work through whatever drives me to do that. i’ve decided, though, that it would be far better to be hypnotized out of it, because it’s going to be difficult to change problems of this type. i would completely willingly be hypnotized and be happy having it all be out of my hands. that is not the responsible choice, i realize, but i’m just trying to be realistic here. seriously, i’ve been very lucky with all my choices, but things could’ve been so much different, and that is scary and comforting at the same time. plus the time of my life when i was the most afraid of this was exactly a year ago. i don’t want to go through that again. hopefully the psychiatry will help me out here.
beyond all this craziness, i am just sad to not be at home. i’m trying to shake that off, but it’s hard. i miss everyone back home, even though the people here are just as great. it’s still not as much of a comfort as i’d like.
but i guess i’m going to go because i need to read a chapter for mgmt science and study for my accounting final and try to find the promotions textbook online somewhere (as i was singled out and told to be sure i ordered it today – asshole). i’m waiting on my other classes, because i always jump the gun and end up with books the teachers have no intentions of using, and that is not a good look for a lady on a budget.
oh and i’m trying to make my room a little less like a prison cell. it’s a work in progress at this point, and that’s being really optimistic.
nothing to say, really December 30, 2007
but for some reason i want to write something anyway.
i know everyone’s probably heard this a bazillion times already but can we talk about how fast 2007 has gone by? seriously, i am really blown away. this brings us to the topic of new years. there’s so much pressure to do something amazing, but i’m thinking lowkey with several key people would be the better way to go this year. i’m excited about the new year. i can’t help it. it’s so tempting to truly feel like you can start over.
we’ll see.
not to be a broken record but i really feel that working this holiday is turning me into a monster. anytime i even think about that place, i become irrationally annoyed. i have to work tomorrow, of course. and like a true crazy person, inescapable thoughts of dramatic illnesses i could have to get out of it keep coming to my mind. i’ve decided (at least for now) to take the high road and go in, but this could quite possibly mean that i will be in a terrible mood, as i was today.
and if i have to hear one more fucking xmas song i will completely go nuts. yeah i love it too, but it is over. there is no excuse for the stretching out of the same xmas music up until new years. it’s unnatural. and the spirit of the holidays is way more dead and gone, because people are fucking nuts like never before. i find myself making disgusted faces without knowing it, nearly everytime i am confronted with them. there’s no censoring it anymore. i made a command decision to not work the last week i’m here. sure the money would be nice, but for my sanity, i really must not.
and although the holidays are over, i really want to do something nice for my family, being that i was a broke bitch before the holidays and could really barely pull anything together. but i know if i do get something, they’ll say i shouldn’t have, and it could turn into a big thing. regardless, i have my eyes open for ideas.
the thought of school starting back is not one i’m fond of. so i won’t think about it anymore.
my mind is racing right now, and i can’t sleep. i feel really exhausted but i can’t sleep. i just keep thinking about all these things i need to do (and not doing them, of course), and it keeps me from being able to relax.
it has been so nice to see and talk to some people that i haven’t seen in so long! i got to see katy and zoe 3x while they were home, and it was really great to catch up. got to talk to sasha last night too. and i’ve seen several other people already, too. i’m so glad i have a couple more weeks, because things have been so crazy, and i just don’t feel like i’ve spent enough time with my friends here or my family. and i don’t get home that much with work in asheville, so i’m trying to make it count.
i guess that’s the biggest jumble of thoughts ever. maybe i can sleep now. thanks for listening.
the worst day in bananaland December 23, 2007
the holidays are not a nice place in bananaland.
also it is not nice to be scheduled at 8. especially when you wake up (after a couple hours of sleep) sick.
when i get up this morning, i am not happy and not well, so i call the store to let them know i’ll be late, and i am immediately subjected to a tyrade by my manager, who we will only refer to as the asshole. let’s be clear that i wasn’t calling in or trying to get out of my shift, only saying i’d be a bit late. he went on and on about how i have a pattern of being late, and while that is true technically, i have only been a few minutes late (only once) at all since i’ve been back in town. yes i know it hasn’t been that long since i’ve been back, but i have also been a good worker and the token bitch to put extra hours or whatever-the-fuck else onto since.
like yesterday. when 9 people called out. i came in early and stayed late. so i wasn’t calling out, just going to be a bit late this morning. it turned out to be very late, because i had to stop on the way to work because i had to be sick, and in my rush, i forgot my wallet at home.
when i get to the store, the fucking doors aren’t even open! and the asshole tries to tell me he couldn’t open the store without me. bullshit. he could’ve clearly run the register for like the three people that were there at that time. but no, he had paperwork. that couldn’t wait, i guess.
normally, i would’ve been very apologetic and understanding, but after the tyrade over the phone, i was impervious to bullshit, and could not give a goddamn what he was going through. he then took me to the office (so still there was no one to work the register at this point, because this too, couldn’t wait) to talk me in circles.
if that wasn’t bad enough, the asshole called the store in asheville to tell all this to my manager there! wtf?! and was pleased to tell me that if this continued to be a problem they wouldn’t take me back because i would be fired from the store here. fuck you. now the only thing they have heard about me is something bad, that i had no control over to boot. nothing good that i’d been doing since i’ve been back. how am i supposed to do damage control on that? i can’t call up for no reason to explain a situation that doesn’t even fucking concern them! that makes no sense. it is a blatant slap in the face.
so at this point i’m wicked pissed, and ready to fucking snap. so i told him i would need to be leaving early today, and he told me he’d see what they could do. so i’m at the front working and getting calls of people calling out with no ramifications and no bullshit, and i’m stading there getting completely shit on for sucking it up and coming in!
after a couple hours when my break time came up, i decided i was done being shit on, and told the manager on duty that i would need them to work something out, because i was not going to be staying for my whole shift. she said there weren’t enough people, to which i told her to keep that fact in mind over the next few hours every time they come at me for stupid shit, seeing that i am sticking it out.
when i get back, they let me know i could leave early, and for the rest of the day i made it a point to do no more than was necessary to get by to make it clear that i can not be fucked around and fucked over continually without consequence.
and yes i’m still mad. i know it’s dramatic, but the thing is – i’ve been really trying to do right by these assholes and shit is never enough. i try to be amiable and help everyone out at work however i can, and there’s no love for any of that from these managers (with one exception, who of course wasn’t there today). so i’m through being a good person. i’m there to get paid, and if they want to treat me like that, they will catch it right back. i am not a good person to make angry.
slightly drunken realization December 22, 2007
ok, so i have got to change some things. i don’t want to go into details for fear of being dramatic, but i really have to change some things. it’s not pretty. but who knows, maybe i can. it is the start of a new year. that seems like the perfect time.
what a week. a lot of realizations. and not much time to make sense of them.
and yes, it’s 2:30 something and i have to work at 12, and i’m beyond tired. the christmas craziness has turned me into a delerious mess. i have no idea what’s going on. but arguably that is the best way to get through the holidays…
things have been pretty good, though, actually. i have been working a lot, but it’s been good. people are not cranky, which is good for me and them. i really have a zero tolerance for bullshit, and i would be incapable of dealing with that in an appropriate manner. i seriously might cuss someone out if they get hella fresh while i’m a hostage at the br. i’ve gotten to spend some time with my family, too, which has been nice. wrapping gifts and decorating and watching movies and all that holiday stuff has really been fun.
i should be in bed, but my mind is racing and i can’t sleep. this is will regret later, i’m sure.
for now though, i am listening to new esthero songs on her myspace (which of course are fucking amazing!), drinking wine, and watching old sex and the city episodes in the background.
how happy am i not to be in school right now. it’s a very good thing.
festive December 17, 2007
so the holidays are upon us. and it’s so nice to be home. i can’t wait to see everyone. today – thankfully – i don’t have to work, so i’m kicked back at home, drinking hot tea and reading, watching movies, and sleeping. it’s wonderful!
the semester wrap up goes a little bit like this: i actually did better than i was expecting, and i’m content with the results. the only one left is accounting, which i took an incomplete in, and have to take the final when i get back. i have nearly a month to stufdy for the exam, though, and it counts for a lot, so it should be ok.
sorry for being so dramatic, in retrospect, with regards to school. but it really didn’t seem like it was going to end well at all.
now i’m looking forward to all the time with my friends and family. the holidays make you miss everyone just a bit more. so it’s so good to be here.
listening to: sade – cherish the day
disconnected December 3, 2007
i have no interest or desire to do anything, go anywhere, …and on and on. i hate school and the situation of my life so much that at this point i can’t imagine doing anything/being anywhere else. i’m pissed off about so many things right now, and resentful about many others, and i’m finally now feeling better from being sick.
why is school such a bullshit mindfuck? and how pathetic is it that i’m struggling? and for what? i’ll probably still end up in a job i hate. what kind of fucking life is that? why do i have the nerve to act surprised?
all i want to do is wrap up in blankets and sleep until whenever the fuck i want to wake up.
but here’s what i have to do instead:
this week, not just right now…
1) for my accounting class: email my budget project; take an exam tomorrow; cumulative final on the 11th(*postponed)
2) for my humanities class: finish a paper; do a cultural event thing; final paper; presentation tomorrow
3) for my h.r. class: take a final on wed.
4) for my i.t. class: arrange some way to take the final i missed from being sick; interview and paper
5) for my law class: finish a research paper; finish my portfolio by thurs; take a final exam on thurs.
6) for school in general: take out more loan money to pay for summer school, which i now have to take to complete some bullshit course prerequisite chain of events type shit for a class i need to take in the fall. i’m not sure how much money i can get, especially if it’s based on my performance this semester… also i don’t fucking want to be here in the summer! kill my soul.
7) negotiate with work back home about my start date for break, because i’ll be here longer than i’d thought
seriously, i am completely miserable and pissed. i should get to work though, i suppose. i’m just going through the motions and counting down the hours and the days.
my 386 webpage November 20, 2007
so this is it so far. what a pain. but i feel as though i should post about it anyway, seeing as i couldn’t figure out any other way to put my powerpoint slides on the page, except by linking it to this page.
*my slides:
